Maturity

When I grow up, I want to remember that I always wanted to be about a thousand different things & one lifetime didn't seem nearly enough. When I grow up, I hope it's at the very end when it doesn't matter anymore anyway

- Story People

Sometimes I feel like I'm not mature enough, even though many people compliment me on having my educational shit together, living on my own, paying my own way basically since I was 17.  However, when I look at me, I don't see the confident, positive and driven young woman.  I see a frizzy-haired, pale, anxious and nerdy 9 year old, who got her feelings hurt when her crush didn't like her back.  That same girl that was teased unmercifully by a kid in third grade for being the teacher's pet.  I wonder if I'll always have that image of myself.

•  Aside - Some people might notice a recurring theme in my self-criticism having to do with my hair.  I seriously hate my hair's texture.  It's frizzy and wavy, but that in-between wave where it just looks undone without a shit-ton of effort.

I don't picture myself as sexy - more awkward and funny and friendly than vixen.  I've wanted so bad to be sexy my whole life, though, especially when coupled with the fact that I have an extremely high libido and I love sex.  I think a former co-worker said it best: "I can't see Jessica doing crazy things in bed."  Well fuck, why not?  (Sidenote: I'm great in bed.)  It bothers me sometimes that people see me being Mom-like and married and old, and I think that's why when I go out, I get all dressed up and dance and flirt because I like to be reminded that I'm 22 years old and I'll never have this skin elasticity again.  I like to be a little "immature" sometimes.

Goal Update

1. Make it through the next 30 days of working this temp job.
2. Organize all of my notes from the following classes into one folder by subject matter: ANA 109 & 110, NUR 861, 863, 866, 870, 871.
3. Clean out and organize my dressing table.
4. Finish unpacking my den.  Set to do this on Thursday, when me and A are both off work.
5. Clean out and organize my desk.
6. Hang the artwork around the house.  Set to do this on Thursday, as well.
7. Buy a futon.  Looking and comparing prices online.
8. Get my characters to levels 75 & 25.
9. Read through and test with both of my NCLEX review books.  Have been slacking hardcore on this one.  Get caught up to the schedule tonight!
10. Save up $500 (-$100) in cash. Transferred $100 over to savings from checking today.
11. Finish reading the Gossip Girl and Luxe book series.  Actually finished the "official" Gossip Girl series, but apparently there is another book out there that's the prequel to the first book in the series, so I'm debating whether or not I've "finished" it or not.
12. Buy a cookbook and make 5 new recipes.
13. Plan out a mini vacation with A. We're discussing a road trip to Texas to visit my mom and some friends.  Probably will be spending at least some of my saved up money on this vacation if it happens.
14. Work out.  Have been slacking.
15. Finish my video project.

Work:
Interestingly enough, my job is not that bad, and I'm finding a lot of things to spend my money on.  I really need to get a good pair of tennis shoes, though.  I honestly think if my feet didn't hurt so bad at the end of the work day, I would almost enjoy the monotony of the job.  No customers, no bullshit, no talking, and after working with the public for years in jobs I didn't like, it's at least nice to nix that out of the equation for once.  Although I'm not sure trading giving up customers is worth giving up air conditioning...
  
Other stuff:
I think I want to get a guided journal and I've been looking on Amazon for some.  The ones that I found that I think I like:
The Self-Esteem Workbook 
The Self-Esteem Guided Journal 

It's not so much that I have super low self-esteem or anything like that, but I do find that I have a lot of internal criticism of myself throughout the day.  I also am prone to letting other people's negativity rub off on me.  I think it would be interesting to go through and do exercises like this for myself to find out a better idea of who I "really" am inside.  A lot of times when I write, I feel so all over the place and don't seem to really get to the point.  A guided journal or workbook can help me focus better.  I was passing the time at work yesterday in my head by listing out good things, things that I like about myself.  I like the positive self-talk I've been doing in my head lately, and I'm hoping that getting one or both of those books would reinforce it.

Sweating my balls off

Another day of work, another pair of sweaty panties that I could have sold to some perv on the internet.

Anxiety Level: 5
Pain Level: 9
Love Myself Level: 7

(Will blog better tonight.)

Significant Other

I'm scared to death of losing my boyfriend.

Probably once a day or so, I picture my life without my boyfriend.  I know it wouldn't be exactly the same, but I go through my normal day to day activities picturing how I would cope without him.  I have no idea how I would do it.  A is my best friend, my lover, my emotional rock, my teddy bear, my cuddle buddy, my baby talk until people barf one true love.  Lately I've found my obsessions focused on him again, an extremely strange thing to happen since it hasn't been this bad since we first started dating.

I think it started when I began working at his old place of employment.  Even though I never entered the building prior to my actual job there, I had heard stories about [Work] for over 2 years while he was an employee.  Looking around the warehouse wasn't too surprising because he had already painted a picture of everything he did in my mind so many nights.

This is stupid, it's almost 3 am and I don't know why I'm such a little kid.  Sheesh.  Finishing this at another time.

While I Should Have Been Sleeping

It's 2:30 in the morning and all I can really think about is how I have to be in my car and driving to work in 4.5 hours.  It pretty much sucks.

I hate feeling the way I feel right now.  My mind just keeps racing with all of these things I should have gotten done on my three days off.  Instead, I laid around the house a lot, watched the cats fight, made To-Do lists that I never completed.  Now I'm stuck between wanting to throw up and wanting to cry.

I don't even know what I want.  I really don't.  I want someone to pay attention to me, I think, but then A has been paying attention to me since he got home.  We played and wrestled on the bed.  We went to the store, where he laced his fingers into mine or placed his hand on the small of my back.  He commented about how happy I seemed, how he knew all along that getting a job was the best thing for me.

Maybe he is right.  I do feel happier on the whole.  But at the same time, I feel horrible inside for no explicable reason.  I can't seem to get to sleep at night, no matter what position I roll myself into or how long A plays with my hair or cuddles me.  There is almost always this ache in my chest, like I'm making the wrong decision somewhere in my life.  I feel like I'm constantly dropping a juggly somewhere: IRL friends, studying during the summer, doing a good job at work, internet friends, family, talking on the phone.

I think everyone probably feels like this - like there are so many things pulling at them in so many directions.  My thing is just to shut down and shut everyone out when I get overwhelmed.  Literally, when I feel overwhelmed, I ignore every phone call, text message, IM, email, PM...all of it.  I pretend it didn't even happen sometimes because it's easier than admitting that I feel too anxious to deal with it.  I think this makes me a bad person because a good person doesn't just put people on the back burner.  A good person is understanding, selfless, kind...you know, all that Hallmark bullshit that people love to eat up.

All I can think about as I write this is how huge my boobs are at the moment and how that's the only thing that has made me genuinely happy next to A roaring in my face all afternoon.  So, I want to do a new post because I have a subject I need to talk about.

Goldberg

"Is that what happens after?  They host shitty shows on obscure channels?" - talking about former wrestler Goldberg hosting some ridiculous show on SPEED channel.

Recent Small Goals

1. Make it through the next 34 days of working this temp job.
2. Organize all of my notes from the following classes into one folder by subject matter: ANA 109 & 110, NUR 861, 863, 866, 870, 871.
3. Clean out and organize my dressing table.
4. Finish unpacking my den.
5. Clean out and organize my desk.
6. Hang the artwork around the house.
7. Buy a futon.
8. Get my characters to levels 75 & 25.
9. Read through and test with both of my NCLEX review books.
10. Save up $500 in cash.
11. Finish reading the Gossip Girl and Luxe book series.
12. Buy a cookbook and make 5 new recipes.
13. Plan out a mini vacation with A.
14. Work out.
15. Finish my video project.

Six Things

1. It's morbid, but the first thing that popped into my head when I found out about your father was, "Will you finally cry in front of me if he dies?"  Then of course immediately obsessing about your death.  Siiigh.  This cycle doesn't end.
2. To myself: You went to work, and you survived.  You even got off work early.  Stop making excuses.  Stop making the same mistakes.
3. I still think I test how much I can fuck up and procrastinate while still succeeding for kicks because I get bored with merely succeeding.  It is completely stupid.  STOP.  You don't get a merit badge for doing extra hoop jumping.
4. I want to graduate at least cum laude so much, and it hurts that I might not because of #3.
5. I wish every day that I had at least tried medication briefly.  I wonder if an anti-anxiety would help my ever-running brain to take a break.  Now I don't have insurance and can't try to get help if I wanted it.
6. I love you.  I have absolutely no way of helping you through this though, and I would apologize every day for it if I could.

Happy Birthday, M

Wednesday was my best friend's birthday.  We are going out tonight to celebrate her being another year older, and about 5 years wiser.  It will be a funk band at a Caribbean restaurant, so I'm pretty excited!

Work
So...because I suck and I just didn't feel good this morning, I called in to work.  The truth is that I wasn't really sick, I just didn't feel like going.  But, my reasoning is that this is a special occasion for my best friend and if I worked all day, there is no way that I would have felt up to going tonight.  Regardless of all that, work has gotten to be slightly more interesting.  Last Friday, I ended up meeting some guy while I was loading up my cardboard things and I needed to get a pallet of them opened that had plastic and green things on it.  I don't have a knife or anything, nor do I know where to get one, so I was just kind of staring at it helplessly.  So C came up with a fish knife and cut it apart for me.  He asked me my name and at first I thought he said "Claus" over the loud roaring of the machines and conveyors.  But it actually is a different C name.  I also at first thought he told me "Drink lots of water and have lewd thoughts" but that also was a mishear.  Anyway, when I went to the break room, I guess I sat at his group's table by accident really.  He introduced me to all of the people in the group and they were really nice...pretty much immediately included me in things.

I'm honestly a little wary of C though.  According to the ladies in the group I look like a younger version of his wife, which is kind of weird to hear no matter what, let alone with a super friendly guy.  He's done nothing too skeevy but he is pretty perverted, which I should be used to after all of these years working with men.  It's a warehouse, most of the people are brasher, you don't see too many divas around there.  Which leads me into Creepy Guy.  CG comes up to me and asks me if I'm from another state because apparently I didn't have a Kentucky accent?  Regardless, it was strange and he babbled on about his life.  All the while, I'm trying to load up my bin with cardboard things.  (I think you're getting the picture that I literally do nothing besides scan books, get and return carts and load the bin thingie, and that the pallets for the cardboards for the bin thing is where a lot of departments intersect.)  The very next day, I was by the water fountain at my station and he stopped by "casually" and said hello like he was seriously making a move on me.  I have begged A to get me some kind of wedding ring so I can pull off an illusion of being married.  A band won't really interfere with my job and anyway it's fake, I just need something to ward them off.

This is one reason why I do not wear tight as hell white see-through capris with a dark colored thong at work, though.  It was some girl's first day last week, and this is what she wore.  And she is a voluptuous curvy woman, but not even in any major overweight way, she just has a big butt and big boobs.  Point I'm trying to make is that with my body type, with my thick legs and butt, I have to be careful about being sexual by wearing too tight lower body work stuff because guys will look at it, and she makes me look like I have nothing.

Otherwise, I'm happy about getting paid every week, and direct deposit too, which is so fucking nice.

I'm going to go back to playing my game now.  <333

38 Days of Work Left

I've decided to count down the days because it will just help my psyche to think of this experience as a goal rather than a job.  :lol:  So anyway, school starts on the 25th of August, so I am planning my last day to be August 14th to give myself a week of vacation and getting ready.

I have a lot to update about work, actually.  Later.

Singin the Work Blues

So, let me preface this with the fact that I'm PMSing and that might have to do with my ...volatile mind state.

I think it might actually be worse to work in a job that has nothing to do with your future career whatsoever than no job. Especially when said job is a warehouse that has a chart on the inside of every bathroom stall with varying shades of yellow and a color key describing how hydrated you are.

While I don't wish to disclose my actual employer, I will give a description of my job.  There are big carts that have books on them in little separated labeled cubbies.  These cubbies correspond to sheets of paper that are packing slips for orders.  My job is to take the books off the carts (someone else in another position puts them in the cart), scan them, then stick them on a particular piece of cardboard depending on the order size and then stick the packing slip on top and place it on a conveyor.  I'm expected to do this with at least 300 books an hour, and if I don't continue that rate, I'll be fired.  So for 10 hours, this is what I do.  I stand in one spot until I'm done with my cart, and then I wheel it back to the place where empty carts go, get another full cart, and do it all over again.  Occasionally I restock my little bin of cardboard things when I run out.  2 breaks and a lunch.  But I work a full 9.5 hours even if we take those out.

I'm studying to be a nurse.  I'm not even allowed to perform first aid at my place of employment.  If someone falls down on the ground in front of me, I'm supposed to tell my manager instead of rushing to help them.  Forget CPR - they'd probably roll me out the door before I got through three chest compressions.  Sometimes it feels like I'm part of a herd of animals being moved around in that place.  For my education level and clinical experience, it's beyond demeaning to work there.

This isn't to say that I feel like everyone who works there is an idiot or anything like that at all.  After all, my boyfriend has worked in factories and warehouses since he was 18 practically.  He's extremely intelligent, and he busts his ass and he works hard.  But...this isn't for me.  The noise from all the machines is so loud that talking when you really need to is borderline impossible, let alone have a conversation.  The break room is so creepy because there is so much turnover that hardly anyone gets to know each other before they quit, resign or get fired.  I am definitely one of the displaced, eating my lunch at a table alone.  Not that I am really my happy cheery self, the kind that people normally flock to and get to know at a job.  You can tell that for many people there, like myself, this was the last option.  Literally.  And even though I am miserable, I am still so thankful for having income again.

But...that's not the worst of it.

Remember when I said that I stack books all day?  The books are the worst part of the whole job.  Today I came across a grouping that absolutely broke my heart, so much so that I had to keep myself from bursting out in tears.  There were six or so books in the order, and all of them had to do with being a divorced father.  One was about staying in your child's life despite the split, another was a children's book about daddy still loving you.  It hurt me so much to see that combination.  It was like looking at some poor man's life right in front of me and how he was trying to solve his problems.

But it doesn't stop there.  Our clientele really likes self-help books.  As a result, I'm constantly being bombarded with reminders of my own issues and problems.  I scanned in at least 20 orders today with books about Aspergers.  I can't even remember how many diet/exercise books and DVD workout videos I came across.  More religious books than I thought were possible definitely exist.  Politics is definitely a big seller, and for some reason Barbara Bush is extremely popular.  Sex issues, relationship issues, marriage issues, all of them.  If you think you have a really cool idea for a book, I wouldn't bother.  Literally I've seen everything.  And this includes the "99 Boobies" paired with "99 Vaginas" book.

Even when they aren't self-help books, it stings.  I get reminded every time I'm at work that I'm studying to be a nurse but do not have a medical job at the moment because NCLEX review guides, anatomy coloring books, microbiology texts and drug books are constantly shuffling through my hands.

In a way, like I said earlier, I'm very glad to have a job finally.  I was so depressed just sitting around the house all the time.  But at the same time, I'm definitely not happy.  I know I sound like a selfish bitch, but I can't help but feel like I deserve better than this given what I have under my belt.

*deep breath*  It's only for the summer.  Remember.  Only for the summer.

Warrior Mage

I've pulled away from the PSC to live in the RPG because it's easier...and I'm happier living in there.

Anxiety Level: 5
Pain Level: 2
Love Myself Level: 6