Maturity

When I grow up, I want to remember that I always wanted to be about a thousand different things & one lifetime didn't seem nearly enough. When I grow up, I hope it's at the very end when it doesn't matter anymore anyway

- Story People

Sometimes I feel like I'm not mature enough, even though many people compliment me on having my educational shit together, living on my own, paying my own way basically since I was 17.  However, when I look at me, I don't see the confident, positive and driven young woman.  I see a frizzy-haired, pale, anxious and nerdy 9 year old, who got her feelings hurt when her crush didn't like her back.  That same girl that was teased unmercifully by a kid in third grade for being the teacher's pet.  I wonder if I'll always have that image of myself.

•  Aside - Some people might notice a recurring theme in my self-criticism having to do with my hair.  I seriously hate my hair's texture.  It's frizzy and wavy, but that in-between wave where it just looks undone without a shit-ton of effort.

I don't picture myself as sexy - more awkward and funny and friendly than vixen.  I've wanted so bad to be sexy my whole life, though, especially when coupled with the fact that I have an extremely high libido and I love sex.  I think a former co-worker said it best: "I can't see Jessica doing crazy things in bed."  Well fuck, why not?  (Sidenote: I'm great in bed.)  It bothers me sometimes that people see me being Mom-like and married and old, and I think that's why when I go out, I get all dressed up and dance and flirt because I like to be reminded that I'm 22 years old and I'll never have this skin elasticity again.  I like to be a little "immature" sometimes.