My harlequinn romance novel entry

I'm addicted to my boyfriend.  I'm so ridiculously in love with him.  Even after 5 years, I feel like I'm in the beginning stages of our relationship.  The way he touches me, the way we just click like no other, our passionate way of working out problems, the way we support each other, the conversations.  He's my one.  I don't even know how to explain the way when he looks at me, my heart jumps and my breath catches just a little bit.  How when he undresses me during sex, I find myself feeling vulnerable and virginal with the way he absolutely makes me feel alive.  I'm so in love.

We're getting into this point in our relationship where I feel so in tune with him and I absolutely adore him.  Therefore I have to write about this to remind myself when I'm feeling particularly down about sex that it's amazing.  Quality is more important than quantity, even if I could fuck like the following every day:

Something I'm starting to realize is that sex is amazing when I just let go of everything and do what makes my body feel good.  I stop worrying about whether my legs are shaved or worry about how my pussy tastes and all of that stupid stuff that runs through my head during too many of my sexy times.  Last night I was horny and had just taken a shower, so bolder than usual.  I started rubbing all over his body while we were talking in bed.  Eventually I began kissing slowly down his cheek and neck.  Because he wasn't making excuses to deter me or anything, I just started teasing him hardcore, eventually going down on him.  He surprised me by telling me to turn around and sit on his face.  69 time is such a good time.  I absolutely love getting oral, and if I get my butt kissed and bitten while we're at it, that's a bonus.  Problem was that it felt so good I could barely focus on my technique.  I decided to remedy that by moving down his body and to fuck him on top reverse cowgirl style.  O.M.G.

Girl on top is something that admittedly I am scared to do more often.  First of all, it's a position that means I have to do more of the thrusting and I feel uncoordinated and clumsy.  I also worry constantly about my belly or boobs bouncing all weird.  And of course I freak out that he can see me so easily in the glow of the moonlight peering through the window.  

BUT.  Last night felt so right.  I think I am officially into slow grinding on top of him.  It makes me feel incredibly sexy to do that while glancing over my shoulder at him, his hands on my ass and my hips guiding me in and out.  Ahhhhh.  Eventually I turned to face him and got on my feet, allowing him to move me freely up and down as he fucked me.  Holding my vibrator to my clit, I had this effortless orgasm build up inside of me as he banged me harder and harder, stopping briefly to lick and bite my nipples.  Kissing him as I got close, my moans muffled against his lips, while feeling him get harder inside me all at once was amazing.  He grinned up at me when I pulled away from his face, started moaning louder and climaxed.  I love it when we come at the same time.  It's one of those times when all of the planets align and I feel connected to him in a way that I can't ever feel any other time.

After the sex, we immediately realized that our normal cum towel was at least halfway across the room, meaning that there was no way we could reach it from the bed without me getting off of him.  Too bad we didn't use a condom.  A count of three, a couple wiggles, a shriek, my hand cupping my crotch, a few giggles and a dash to the bathroom later, I was in the shower cleaning up.  Five minutes later I laid in bed, my body snuggled into his, and realized that I am so in love with him.

I think about A all the time.  When I'm at work, I picture him at work.  I can see his face better than my own in my head.  I play sound clips in his voice from conversations, bed talk, fights, reconciliations, and even stupid things like the way he sounds so happy whenever he kills someone in the game.

Her daddy says, "he ain't worth a lick
When it came to brains, he got the short end of the stick"
But Katie's young and man she just don't care
She'd follow Tommy anywhere

...And even if they have to run away, she's gonna marry that boy someday.

Goal Update 2

1. Make it through the next 22 days of working this temp job.
2. Organize all of my notes from the following classes into one folder by subject matter: ANA 109 & 110, NUR 861, 863, 866, 870, 871.  Going to tackle ANA 109 & 110 today.
3. Clean out and organize my dressing table.
4. Finish unpacking my den.  This did not get done because A did not have Thursday off as planned!  However, my friend K came to visit so as a result, we had to move all the junk out of the way and it's still not done, just piled in corners.  Haha.  Want to work on soon.
5. Clean out and organize my desk.
6. Hang the artwork around the house.  We hung pictures that were in the kitchen last week as planned, but there are still a ton in the closet.
7. Buy a futon.  After really thinking about it, I decided to buy a blow up mattress for guests because of two reasons: 1. A futon is expensive, and a used one gives me the creeps, 2. I don't have the space for it in the guest room as I thought with all of the wicker furniture.  COMPLETED
8. Get my characters to levels 75 (-34), 25 (-10) & 15 (-11).  Bella is 41, Emi is 15 and Ambree is 4.
9. Read through and test with both of my NCLEX review books.  Pages: (-438).  Have been slacking hardcore on this one!  Ugh I can't seem to keep my focus so I'll have to do some timed reading sessions.
10. Save up $500 in cash. Because my bank sucks and they transfer funds over every time I have anything over in savings, and I rarely need the overdraft protection.  Very sucky.  So I'm going to have to do this one by saving in a piggy bank it looks like.  I already have a piggy bank + a change keeper, and I stuck some change and stuff in there today.  Gonna keep bills, quarters and dimes in one, pennies and nickels in the other.
11. Finish reading the Gossip Girl and Luxe book series.  Put in a hold at the library to get the next Luxe book in the series, Rumors.
12. Buy a cookbook and make 5 new recipes. I've looked at all kinds of cookbooks, I'm curious about whether or not I should buy a cookbook or just check one out from the library.
13. Plan out a mini vacation with A.  Still working out details - A actually talked to his boss today and requesting time off shouldn't be a big problem.  Going to look
14. Work out.  Have been slacking.
15. Finish my video project.

NEW GOALS
16. Read a bunch of books I've been wanting to read for awhile.  Getting Freakonomics from the library today!
17. Watch Arrested Development.

I thought it might be important to add that I don't really have a strict timeline on these goals, but I would like to get them all done by the end of the summer.

Significant Other

I'm scared to death of losing my boyfriend.

Probably once a day or so, I picture my life without my boyfriend.  I know it wouldn't be exactly the same, but I go through my normal day to day activities picturing how I would cope without him.  I have no idea how I would do it.  A is my best friend, my lover, my emotional rock, my teddy bear, my cuddle buddy, my baby talk until people barf one true love.  Lately I've found my obsessions focused on him again, an extremely strange thing to happen since it hasn't been this bad since we first started dating.

I think it started when I began working at his old place of employment.  Even though I never entered the building prior to my actual job there, I had heard stories about [Work] for over 2 years while he was an employee.  Looking around the warehouse wasn't too surprising because he had already painted a picture of everything he did in my mind so many nights.

This is stupid, it's almost 3 am and I don't know why I'm such a little kid.  Sheesh.  Finishing this at another time.

I will follow you into the dark.

To my boyfriend:
"I Will Follow You Into The Dark" by Death Cab for Cutie 

Love of mine some day you will die
But I'll be close behind
I'll follow you into the dark

No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight
Waiting for the hint of a spark

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles bruised by a lady in black
And I held my tongue as she told me
"Son fear is the heart of love"
So I never went back

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

You and me have seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary
And the soles of your shoes are all worn down
The time for sleep is now
It's nothing to cry about
'cause we'll hold each other soon
In the blackest of rooms

If Heaven and Hell decide
That they both are satisfied
Illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs

If there's no one beside you
When your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark
Then I'll follow you into the dark

When I first met my boyfriend, A, I knew almost from the beginning that he was the one for me.  I don't believe in love at first sight, or anything like that, but I fell in love with the way he was almost immediately.  Something that has been bothering me lately is this fear that I love him and care for him much deeper than he feels for me.

A is Catholic.  He went to Catholic elementary school as a child and as an adult stopped going to church and believing in most of the stricter covenants.  Now that he is 27 years old, it is rare for him to step inside a cathedral, something that pleases the atheist in myself in a twisted way.  I do not begrudge him for believing in god, but I'm glad that he found that organized religion was not the life plan he wanted to follow.

I guess what I love about this song is that I don't really understand it completely, at least not what it means for ME.  I've listened to it on repeat for a half hour trying to figure this out, and it hasn't gotten old, but I'm not becoming enlightened. 

All I really know is that I will follow A everywhere, including into the dark.

Emotional wrecks are just that

Do you know how sometimes you pass a car accident on the street, and even though it's terrible and horrible, you stare as you pass?

Sometimes I have emotional wrecks.  Times when I get to the lowest of my low, and it doesn't matter how much love and support I have, I just feel like everyone is staring at me rather than helping.  Of course, this isn't the case.  I have a boyfriend and a friend group that loves me tons.  From a post of mine:

It seems like people don't notice when you reach out. Especially if you are good at faking, if you are capable and strong most of the time. Even when I told my boyfriend and my best friend that I was horribly suicidal, that I thought about killing myself every single day, all the ways I could do it, that I had started suicide notes, that I had fantasized about my funeral...they still don't seem to understand that I really, truly need help. It took me breaking down and being a complete emotional wreck before anyone took me seriously. Even then, I still get called an attention whore and told I'm wallowing in my own despair sometimes. They don't seem to understand that the little things are what break the camel's back when you feel that way.

I don't even know why I'm replying to this. I guess I just want you to know that sometimes we are better at appearing more put together than we seem, and it's hard for our friends and family, let alone strangers, to see past that facade.

Lately, I have felt like shit.  I've been out of a job, out of school since summer break began and my bank account has officially dwindled down to nothing.  For the first time in a very long time, I made serious steps toward a suicide attempt.  First, I threatened to down a bottle of pills that my boyfriend wrestled out of my hand.  I started crying and hyperventilating when he took them away and threatened to flush them down the toilet, scared that he would take away my own means of relaxing.  We argue, I cry some more.  Then I locked myself in my car with a paring knife and toyed with the idea of slicing my wrists.  You know, down the street, the real way if you want to kill yourself, not across the park.  Instead, I ran it over and over my inner thighs, just to feel the blade across my skin, not enough to actually pierce my pale flesh.  I thought for awhile.  I realized that killing myself wouldn't do anything but cause everyone pain. 

Then, in just a T-shirt and a pair of panties, I got out of my car and walked back into my house, where my boyfriend once again wrestled the knife away from me.  He held me while I cried.  While I told him that I didn't know why I felt this way, but I hated myself.  I hated my life.  I felt worthless because I had no money, no job, nothing driving me.  I couldn't do anything fun with friends because of lack of money.  For what seemed like a century, he stared as I told him my emotions.  Then, he told me that he was sorry, that he wanted to help, that all I needed to do was ask for help.  I thought I had, I told him.  "No," he said, "not like this."  I forget that he needs practical statements, things he can actually help.  Overarching themes of suicidal tendencies and depression are hard for him to understand.  But now...he's going to help me get through this.

I really think I'm going to be okay.

I'm calling a tow truck.  I'm putting my keys under the mat.  And I'm walking away from this.  Maybe I can't pretend my emotional wreck was a dream, maybe I can't get back in the same car and drive away as if nothing happened, but I can pick up the pieces and take a cab home.  Or, I can walk.

I'm choosing to walk.  Because even if I deserve support, even if I need an ear and a hand and a foot up, it comes down to me putting one foot in front of the other and making progress of my own volition.  Tomorrow is a new day.  A new day for me, and for you.

The last 2 years

It was brought up on a forum I frequent the topic of reflecting on the last 2 years of your life.  Here is my reflection.

Two years ago, it was the Spring of 08. I had applied to nursing school and was waiting to hear whether I got accepted or not. Around this time, I had just began working a new job in retail where I met some people that I'm still very good friends with.

I found out I was accepted to nursing school in July. I still have the acceptance letter.  

That same month, I moved in with my boyfriend and got my first "real" apartment, meaning it wasn't managed by my university at all. It was also our first official place together. We ended up getting our first cat, Heathcliff, soon after.

 

In the Fall of 08, I ended up withdrawing from a number of my classes because of working pretty much full-time hours in retail. I ended up having 36 hours/week or something like that, and during holiday I was working as a lead cashier and had a shit-ton of overtime. 

 

Me and A really worked on our relationship, and we spent quite a bit of time with his friends.

During the winter, I turned 21 and went out to a bar for the first time legally. This of course was the first of many bar nights for me. 

I officially started my actual major requirements in the Spring of 09. For Valentines' Day, me and A went on our first ever vacation in nearly 4 years of dating to Gatlinburg for the weekend. 

I also visited NYC for the first time for my Spring Break, going to see my friend in Queens. I took a train 18 hours from Maysville, KY to Penn Station, NY. Yeah, my butt was sore.

 

That summer, I went to Texas to spend time with my mom and little sister, and ended up meeting a really cool PSC person. The store I worked at was remodeling, so I spent a few 40 hour weeks prior to that cleaning, lugging around boxes, packing shit up and moving it to a storage area. 

 

 

 

 At the end of the summer, I got to meet three more really amazing people from PSC. I also applied for a scholarship through the hospital, which I received, taking a big burden off of my shoulders regarding financial aid.

 

In the Fall of 09, my really good friend K moved back to KY and I got to start spending time with her again. 

At the same time, I met a whole bunch of new friends through my best friend, M, and found an entirely new friend group. I spent a lot of time with my nose in a book, or a pipe to my lips. I quit my job because I was sick of working retail, but I stayed friends with everyone who worked with me.

 

During the winter of 09, me, M and my other really good friend, H, drove down to Florida to visit M's grandparents. We all fell in love. Some of us with the experience, some of us with a guy named Bryan that she later would find signs of everywhere. We celebrated NYE in West Palm Beach, and I officially rang in the new year by throwing up my 6th cranberry & vodka of the night on Clemantis St.

  When I got back from Florida, we got our second cat, Duckie.

 

This spring, I began my third semester of nursing school, which was my med-surg clinical and by far the roughest semester of them all. I cried more tears this semester than any other and it showed me how much I am not going to be a floor nurse. It made it clear, although I have known in my heart all along, that I am meant to be a psych and/or public health nurse. Me and A recently moved to a new place, a townhouse with two stories and two entrances.

I'll be honest. I was much happier about a year ago. This time last year, I was on cloud 9, smiling and laughing and showing off my straight A's. I've lost some friends that I never thought I would lose over some shit that I never knew was a big deal. I've never done this poorly in school. I've never doubted myself this much and been this confused about my purpose. I had much more money in my pocket last year. I was finally getting close to paying off all my credit card debt. Now, I am back up to like $1200 in the hole.

At the end of the day though, I'm really happy to at least be where I am for the moment. I have 3 semesters of school left and about 2 years left until I'll officially be working. I already have a job lined up, I just have to make it through the rest of the program, which I have been told over and over again that it's "all downhill from here" by people ahead of me.

I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself, on my relationship, on my social life and with my family. But...as always....I welcome the fact that I am a work in progress.

Story People

My friend E showed me some really cute pictures with quotes today that are called "Story People."  The first one I read, I immediately related.  It sounded like someone finally made a manuscript of my inner thoughts.  I loved them so much that I've been looking at the website all day.  I just want to put a couple on here before I let them take over my Facebook profile.  Plus, I keep posting them all over my friend's profiles and....yeah.  All of these can be found at this address and the name in parenthesis is the name of the story for searching purposes.  I'm planning on getting some of these for friends and for myself, but I haven't decided exactly yet.

"When I grow up, I want to remember that I always wanted to be about a thousand different things & one lifetime didn't seem nearly enough. When I grow up, I hope it's at the very end when it doesn't matter anymore anyway" (#1723)

I think about this a lot.  I really and truly believe that part of the reason I am so scared to grow up is because I'm afraid of letting go of this person that I am right now.

"The problem with knowing everything's going exactly as it needs to is that when you're not having that much fun it doesn't even do any good to complain." (Partial Enlightenment)

My feelings on nursing school, the seriousness of my relationship and my inability to be wreckless and free or change my mind anymore.  I'm on contract with a hospital and will be going to work for them for 2 years after I graduate.  Something about that feels so...trapped.  Even though so many people tell me they look up to me, they are proud of me...sometimes I really envy those who are still being carried wherever by the wind.

"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short" (Bittersweet)

I am so emotional.  In fact, so emotional that I have the ability to form and shed tears within the span of a 30 second commercial.  I cry at reality TV and sitcoms and movies.  I cry when things hurt.  I cry when I fight with my boyfriend.  I cry when I do something well.  It's my default reaction.  I used to think there was something wrong with me - and now I am learning that I just love all of the little things in this world that touch my soul in that way that causes tears to flow down my face.

"She tried on every body left but they'd been pretty well picked over & all that were left were a little worse for wear. She finally settled on one that was pretty good except for a scuff at the elbow where you almost couldn't see it anyway & as she walked out into the world she remembered thinking next time I'm going to get here earlier." (Body Shop)

My struggle with BDD.  I feel like it's so hard to explain to someone that you HATE the way you look, especially when they believe you to be conventionally attractive.  That even though you are confident in your intellect and your personality, you loathe your body and your face.  However, I am learning to love who I am, and to accept that my physical appearance is a part of that.  I don't think I'll ever be fully cured of my body dysmophia, but I want to learn to accept that it's a part of who I am.  It's okay.  I don't have to be perfect.

"Moving briskly along because introspection gives her a stomach ache." (Extrovert)

If I'm not busy with things in my life, it gives me way too much time to reflect on my shitty childhood, my current financial crisis and the fact that I still haven't gotten where I want to be by my age.  It's better for me to not dwell on that stuff, but if I have too much free time, it keeps me up at night.

"deciding everything is falling into place perfectly as long as you don't get too picky about what you mean by place. Or perfectly." (Falling Into Place)

Completely reminds me of my relationship with A.  Things aren't happening as fast as I'd like, nor are they the circumstances I necessarily pictured for myself at age 22.  But the small moments in between remind me that he's the one for me, that our life will be fine and that I need to forget everything I ever read in story books.

"I'm not so good at taking my own advice, she said, but that doesn't mean I don't know what's right." (Knowing Right)

So many of my friends and even family depend on me for advice, medical or not.  While I love them and I love helping them, sometimes it can feel hypocritical to give them advice, good advice, and know that I can't even follow it in my own life.  Likewise, educating patients about healthy behaviors makes me feel like the biggest farce.

"Can make stuff magically disappear especially if it's got a lot of butter & sugar in it" (Magical Thinker)

Well, here is my problem with binge eating in a nutshell.  (But I'm better, I promise.)

"He loved her for almost everything she was & she decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time." (Mr. Right)
"Tied together by stuff too difficult to explain to someone new" (Partners)

The way that A accepts my anxiety, my BDD, my emotional outbursts, the baggage that comes with being abused in all 3 (4?) ways....I don't know that I could ever go through all of the turmoil with someone again.  Then we factor in his Aspergers' Syndrome, his family drama and bad debt.  I don't know that I could ever love someone the way I love him so fucking goddamn much.  He is really my rock in a way that I could never explain to anyone else and I apologize for not being able to ever be more eloquent than that.

"Of course I'm not happy, she said to me, but I've got a degree in psychology so at least I can explain why." (Psychology)

I learn about everything that is wrong about me in nursing school all the time.  Sometimes it's embarrassing to realize that I learn more about how fucked up I am every time we hit a mental health section in the course material.


"Most people she never tells about the tightrope because she doesn't want to listen to their helpful comments from the ground." (Tightrope)

I'm the strong one.  I'm the one that has my life together.  I'm the one that is going to be successful.  And I feel like no one has the right to comment on how I am getting there until they put themselves in my position and do it.

Have to update! But no time!

I haven't had any time to update lately because I've been out "there"...living life.  But I am very happy.

Anxiety Level: 8
Pain Level: 6
Love Myself Level: 9

This morning, me and A went for a walk/jog.  It was amazing, and I don't know what part was better - the strain in my legs while I was exercising, or the smiles on our faces as we raced down the sidewalk, pushing each other to run just a little faster even though it was supposed to be a "jog".

I promise to update this evening.  I have a lot to say, and I really want to share.

Friday, March 26, 2010 @ 2:07 pm

He crushed her in a hug, squeezing her so tight it hurt.

Giggle wrote:

Owwww. Why did you hug me so hard?

A wrote:

You know how sometimes you want to squeeze the cats too hard when you are loving on them? You were really cute and I wanted to squish you.

I love my boyfriend and our full-on baby talk conversations.

Third Eye Blind in 4 days!!

Monday, March 22, 2010 @ 6:53 pm

Thanks to you guys, seriously.

I guess a part of me feels like I really need to have my act together. You had no idea how serious and uptight nursing school is, especially my nursing school. There are so many hoops we have to jump through if we don't get a 78% on an exam, or if we are 1 minute late to clinical, or if our hair is not properly pulled back in a clip and falls into your face. I know all of it's important, but fuck it is so much stress.

There are so many people in my program in their late 20's and early 30's that are doing the married/babies/house thing and I kind of do want that. It seems like everyone my age is in a sorority and does shit tons of volunteer work, or the girl who does cheerleading and they are so focused and driven. I feel like such a slacker. My clinical group went to the Bahamas, Jamaica, Florida, etc. I stayed at home...slept...posted more than usual on PSC. Read Gossip Girl. Went out to a local pub for St. Paddy's day. So I feel like I don't really fit in with a lot of people in my nursing school because I'm not wild and crazy vacationing and partying...but I'm also not "legitimate" as a married couple with financial independence and all that jazz.

Monday, March 15, 2010 @ 9:26 pm

grammar

i see you and you see me
a cataclysmic semicolon
separating our lives
because they walk side by side
but they are two. independent. clauses.



I don't need you. I want you. And that has made all the difference.

Monday, March 15, 2010 @ 6:42 pm

Watching the sunset without you, missing you. I can't wait for us to sleep in together tomorrow and make breakfast.

Anxiety Level: 4
Pain Level: 2
Love Myself Level: 7

Sunday, March 7, 2010 @ 12:11 am

"I'm the man." "You're the man."

It's sad that a commercial makes me miss sex. I'm scared that it's just going to keep dwindling and dividing until it's down to nothing. I know you love me, you know I love you. It's amazing when we do it. Frequency, frequency, frequency.

Do you remember the nights when I would jump into bed at 2:30 in the morning? Do you remember how you would run your hands down my body, shove your fingers in my pussy and your tongue down my throat? Do you remember the way I moaned? I loved that kind of sleepy, passionate, spontaneous touch. I knew it meant fast, rough, selfish sex, and I loved it.

I'm still so young, I'm not ready to be a prude.

Saturday, March 6, 2010 @ 9:56 pm

Sometimes I think my jabberwocky is nursing school, other times I think it's my own insecurities I have to slay.

Anxiety Level: 6
Pain Level: 0
Love Myself Level: 8

Giggle wrote:

Sometimes I feel obligated to wear makeup, you know, and so I try to wear as little as possible.

He turns and looks at her, smiles.

A wrote:

Looks good, you don't need much makeup. At least you aren't like those girls that look hideous when they take off their makeup.

Giggle wrote:

But I hate that I can't put on makeup and change how I look. I can't transform.

A wrote:

That's because you have natural beauty. Your lips are already bright, your lashes are already long and dark and your pale skin...just everything stands out against it. Really pale skin is better, it's softer. That's what you have, soft smooth pretty skin. Maybe some lip stuff and some stuff to make your eyelashes bigger, but you don't really need makeup.

She puts a hand to her face, feeling the warmth of her blush.

Giggle wrote:

Stop it, you're embarrassing me!

A wrote:

Why?

Giggle wrote:

Because you've never said anything like this to me before. It's overwhelmingly sweet.

A wrote:

I've always thought it. Sometimes I just don't know how to say it.

I will marry him, sooner or later.