Enjoy the NOW

Late night conversation with my best friend that became blogworthy.

2:42amMe

i guess all i'm saying is that that list made me stop and wonder if i'm too dumb to learn the lessons that are in front of me and that's why i keep going through these bullshit cycles

and maybe my lesson is about learning to be content with my life

2:43amMarina

i think thats everyones life long lesson

2:44amMe

it's a pretty hard one

2:44amMarina

hell yeah

especially when you want to change or you do change

2:45amMe

like...i hate feeling like there are a million things about my life that i want to be different. about myself. i hate feeling like there is an "unfinished" part to me.

and i think i'm always going to feel like that, and honestly? it's terrifying.

i almost am ready for 25 to hurry up and get here. i think by 25 i'll be more content.

2:46amMarina

yeah hun i second that. i feel unfinished as well\

2:47amMe

but then i wonder - will it be enough? i feel like i'll be complete when i finish school and get married, but theni'll want a baby, then i'll want them to succeed, then i'll want grandkids, then i'll want to retire and do all kinds of other shit. and on and on and on.

i feel like i'm missing out on just enjoying things because i overthink the opportunities i have and just see what i want and what i'm working towards

2:48amMarina

oh me too

2:48amMe

=/

2:48amMarina

im so tired of feeling like that

i feel like i cant really appreciate where i am

2:48amMe

don't you remember being 15 and thinking when you got to this age you would have figured it all out?

2:49amMarina

i dont know if i ever really thought like that.

i just always wished the doubt would go away and one day i would feel more confident

i notice that i do feel bettter about myself but it wasnt a complete transformation

it wwas llittle by little

it was when i stopped denying myself of the things i truely wanted out of life

2:50amMe

i guess i had this idea that when i was an Adult that i would have a better grasp...but it's like the more i grow up the more i realize i have so much more to learn and experience

almost like how i believed i would stop being afraid of monsters when i got older

2:51amMarina

which is a good thing because who wants to stop learning and growing

2:51amMe

i do think it's a good thing, but at the same time i wish i could find the happy medium

like enjoying this young adult phase

being happy even though i'm constantly broke

2:53amMarina

me too. i am tired of wanting to be there not here and not happy about my situation when i know i will look back a tnd say that wasnt bad after all actually it would of been great had i had a different outlook on myself and my life.

2:53amMe

do you want to do it?

let's do it.

2:53amMarina

what do you mean?

2:54amMe

let's enjoy it now.

enjoy the crazy,confusing, poor, emotional, sometimes insecure, sometimes arrogant, constantly searching and ever dramatic early 20's

2:55amMe

i'm sure there are more adjectives we could fit in lol

2:56amMarina

yeah thats true.

lets.

i guess this is part of it.

im sure

gonna meet up with antoine tomorrow

2:56amMe

antoine?

2:56amMarina

french guy

ill have two new vegan friend

2:56amMe

:)

2:56amMarina

friends*

his roomate is 23 and he is 24

both vegan

2:57amMe

that will be cool

2:57amMarina

i'm excited

yeah

2:58amMe

i'm glad you're finding people you can relate to that way here in lex

i know it's not easy

2:59amMarina

yeah its not easy. i just get tired of being the odd one out sometimes.

i just want to spend sometime that are going to inspire me instead vice versa

i have a lot of people ask me about my diet and i tell them but i dont have a lot of people i can converse with IRL.

that actually live a similiar life

3:01amMe

nod i can understand. i yearn for that same thing with other athiests.

atheists ugh mispellings

3:02amMarina

u should go to some meetup groups

3:02amMe

i'm actually a part of the atheist one in lex, i'm too nervous to go and just do it...maybe i will

3:03amMarina

start your own...thats what i did. were going to have a 811 thanksgiving

3:03amMe

:)

3:05amMarina

going to bed pretty tired

3:05amMe

yeah i should do the same

enjoy your sleeping

and your life ;)

3:05amMarina

lol

yeah thats true.

close your eyes cuz we doing it

lol

3:06amMe

yes

one question

do you feel like you're constantly on the brink of something new?

3:07amMarina

me? sometimes i feel like i have that power to create something wonderfully new but it doesnt happen the way i picture

u?

3:08amMe

i always feel like i'm on the edge of discovering something really important, either about myself or life or friendship or family or love or whatever, and sometimes i am too stupid or naive or just plain resistant to let myself learn.

sometimes i like it, other times it feels like i'm pressured to take something from everything. like i look for meaning in too much that even small things become magnified.

3:09amMarina

or i try to grasp that lesson and make it mine or check it off but its like it doesnt happen that way for me

3:09amMe

yes.

exactly.

i'm impatient to learn the lessons but sometimes i realize later i didn't really learn it.

kind of like when you cram for an exam and then you still fail it because it's harder than you expected and even though you knew everything, you didn't understand it enough to apply it

Merriam-Webster

Main Entry: ¹friend 

Pronunciation: \ˈfrend\

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English frend, from Old English frēond; akin to Old High German friunt friend, Old English frēon to love, frēo free

Date: before 12th century

1 a : one attached to another by affection or esteem b : acquaintance
2 a : one that is not hostile b : one that is of the same nation, party, or group
3 : one that favors or promotes something (as a charity)
4 : a favored companion
5 capitalized : a member of a Christian sect that stresses Inner Light, rejects sacraments and an ordained ministry, and opposes war —called also Quake

Sometimes I wonder why I try, then I remember that I am just as flawed in all my beauty, and when I see those flaws within that same type of beauty, my heart aches and breaks.  I attempt to save, to console, to comfort - for when I am doing it for others, a part of me is able to be reminded that I deserve the same for myself.

I hold no ill will, I hold no regrets and I hold no bad karma.  I will move on without answers and will accept that life is not always simple, not always forthcoming with explanations and not always fair.  I'm not immune from something happening to me just because I cannot fathom doing it to someone else.  It does not make me a bad person, and it's not my place to judge what it means for the other person.


But now I wish for it to be done for good, for both of us.

Something important happened with this.  I looked at A and stated, clearly, "I'm sad she deleted me.  It hurts my feelings.  It makes me question whether I am a good friend or a bad friend."  I stated how I felt without blaming, escalating the situation or taking it out on him.  I was able to recognize the mashup of emotions inside of me, process them in a healthy way and speak calmly about them aloud.

I'm learning how to control the trainwreck that rampages inside of me and funnel it into intelligent statements.  

Progress.

Love & Positivity (What my goodbye thread would have said)

So even though I left PSC, I decided to pull some things that some really great people had said to me to put here for future reference.  I honestly have never been so overwhelmed and touched that some people who have never had a chance to hug me, and some who have only spent hours with me, cared about me this much.

Snow/Sara :)

Gigs, I love you to death. I'm here anytime you need anything, anything at all. You are beautiful and deserve everything in this world that is good!

Panacea/Dr. Sarah

I'm sorry to see her go. Giggs, if you need anything, don't hesitate to get in touch. I hope things start looking up for you soon because you deserve nothing but happiness. <3

gigglesqueak: Smart, funny, gorgeous. I think she's going to be an amazing nurse. I really enjoy reading what she has to say. She's easily one of my favorites around here.

 ThisHouseRemix/Dai

You'll be missed, Giggs. I feel really lucky to have, even if just on the surface, gotten to know someone of your caliber. You're a great individual with tons of love for people.

Yin/Jackie

My heart is breaking right now. I don't know what's going on but I really hope she's okay. I love and adore her so much. :(

Tantalus/Kayla

This makes me really sad. I felt like I was just starting to get to know Giggs.



I hope things turn out okay.

 WWB/Kate

I'm going to miss Giggle around here a lot. She's a great friend, and I think she really is a beautiful person. I know she must have her reasons for leaving PSC, but I do hope she knows that I'll always be there for her.

Deschain/Matt

We have't talked much recently, but i really hope she's okay. I was pretty shocked to read her blog post today (shortly before i saw this thread).

She deserves nothing but the best.

 Splegak

Hope things will work out for her.

Pink1989

I'm sad she left. I hope she can work everything out.

IBIA/Maria

It makes me so sad to know she left. She's one of the few people here that gave me a chance and got to know me a little bit better, and she sure has helped me with my problems. I am sad I won't be able to do the same with hers, even if it's just encouragement words..

She was a huge and amazing part of this community, and she sure as hell will be missed.

All the things I want to tell her, I already have, via FB message. I adore her and I have nothing negative to say about her. 

Sterns

I'm sorry Giggle left. But her life was getting in the way of itself and I hope she finds the clarity she needs to overcome it's obstacles.

kmn1988

I'm gonna miss Giggle. She was always full of good advice and was really funny.

askewedinc/Adam

Giggs,

I hope everything turns out for the best for you. You will be missed. Good luck in life!!

bunkingum/Sharon

Giggle. <3 Best of luck dear. You will be missed.

Yes?

I enjoyed GiggleSqueak's posts. I hope she's alright.

maggie_b

I haven't really been on PSC for a couple years. I've been back these past few weeks because I've got some shit going on that I've been looking for advice about.

Even though it's been over two years since I was a regular here, I remembered Giggs. She was the first screen name I recognized my first time back, because I remember her as an insanely genuine person who wouldn't hesitate to help or offer advice (or in some cases, call you out on your bullshit, which is a trait I respect).

I hope that whatever direction her life takes, she finds herself back on top and happier than ever. I also hope that she finds her way back to PSC, when circumstances allow for it.

Good luck, Gigglesqueak--you will be missed.

TheSilentCryptographer

Thats unfortunate. Giggs was a staple of the PSC community for as long as I can remember, she has put in so much love, care and attention to this forum beyond what one may expect from a dedicated member. She was always there to help where/whenever possible, and being a poster who gained some very helpful advice from her, I am very thankful.

Word cannot express nor describe it, but once again, thank you. You will be dearly missed, and hopefully you will be able to apply the extensive knowledge and emotion you have given so many here into your own personal issues. Good luck!!!

shay/Shannon

We barley know each other as of now but i do hope life get's a little easier for you. I hope you are doing what is best for you and letting those who love you help if they can help. You are missed already!

spero/Anne

giggs, i'm sorry life has handed you such a crappy hand lately. you know how to find me if you ever want to talk.

BananaRama/Craig

Wish you well, Jessica.

Dione/Ginger

:/ I hope you feel better, Giggs. *misses you* <3 *stalks you with other forms of social networking* >_>;

whiterose/Becca

I really hope Giggles gets better. She's been very kind and generous of heart for a long time, even to people who don't deserve it. People who try to insult her are just low and sad.

snowysweetheart

bummer.

I'll miss ya, giggle...

no-nameslob/Lauren

What da eff is going on with gigs? I lay low for a few days/weeks/months and see this? Hope errerthang's goin good.

cavedog/Steve

Gigglesqueak - Giggles is a great friend and a sharp poster. It'd be very different here without her.

utellme

Gigglesqueak- I think that she gives great advise for the most part. I know she's in nursing school so she probably feels the same pains that I am at the moment I haven't talked to her personally to say much more than that.

loveinslowmotion

Giggles : I've never spoken to her personally, but I think she is effing gorgeous & I like reading her posts & responses to threads. She's a very educated, smart & lovely woman. Glad she's here.

Atrophy/Dan

GGS :: One of my favorite posters on here. Srsly. <3 her. We have our tiffs and rubs, but we always end up on the same page at some point. I admire that in a friendship.

WhispersAndWishes

Gigglesqueak - I love giggles. She's so intelligant, sexy and sweet. I haven't once disagreed with one of her posts on serious topics. She's fabulous at giving advice and she seems like she'd be a great laugh IRL.

 Lady.Laz/Tarah

We've been through our share of shit. I hope she's alright and if she doesn't come back to psc I'll miss her. 

I don't think Gigglesqueak is a facade, or an online handle, or just a poster on a forum.  She represents the best of me and the worst of me: the epic posts that kept me from deleting all traces of me from the site and the belligerent rants that deserved the kicks in the ass that I often took.  She is the girl that would stay up until the sun came up on AIM, in Chatzy and in Harem, talking about everything from blowjobs to religion to politics to society.  She is opinionated, she loves a little too deeply and hates a little too easily.  When she's emotional, she sees black and white until she calms down enough to see the gray.  Her anxiety can be crippling, but so can her will.  She's a critical thinker when the issue doesn't touch too close to home.  She employs self-criticism more often than she should.  She leans very liberal in nature with some conservative touches.  Her goals and dreams are bigger than her self-discipline.  Like everyone else in this big world, she's a walking contradiction of experiences, thoughts, insecurities, promises and contemplations.

But it's time for me to merge the things I learned as Gigglesqueak into Jessica and learn how to implement them into my everyday life.  I'm confident that I can do this, but I'm not so sure that I can do it while holding onto the position I have in the Post Secret Community.  I value helping people on there too much to do it halfheartedly, and at the same time I can't explain to anyone how much it worries me to leave the support system I've had online that I've known and loved for awhile.  I'm scared that I might lose contact with my friends once we don't have a forum to connect us - I'm scared of being replaced in their hearts by more readily available people that will join and post.  I know that leaving will force me to focus on myself, my life, my friends that I see and love in person that I've often neglected for those living states away.

Did I live my life on PSC?  I don't know how to answer that.  From the outside looking in, I suppose I can admit that I used it as a crutch.  It kept me from having to seek connection in real life when I had an AIM list full of people who loved me and would chat at all hours of the night.  It kept me from calling my best friend at 3 am when I was upset because I could just IM Steve, or Sara, or Dan, or Tarah, or Kellie, or Adeline, or Maria, or, god, so many damn people.

Was it worth it?  Hell yes, it was and always will have been worth it, if nothing more than the clarity I got for seeing how my life compared to others, to see that some of the worst things that have happened to me did not occur as some freak isolated accident.  Knowing that I'm not alone in my fears, my insecurities, my financial troubles, my boyfriend troubles, my flaws, my anxiety.  All of the people I met, all of the posts I read - every single one of them forced me to examine something about myself and introspect.  From as broad as being sad over my parents' divorce (thanks, pluckyduck) to as specific as my BDD (thanks, IBIA) to the knowledge that there's a little evil inside of all of us that we have to acknowledge (thanks, Sara-Snow) to embracing my unique and crazy side (thanks, Kellie) to realizing that there's still something at the bottom of all the layers of an onion (thanks, Steve) to knowing that the abuse was not my fault (thanks, Tarah) to remembering a past relationship on a happier note (thanks, Kayla) to finding another science nerd with financial dramas that smoked pot and lived to talk about it (thanks, Kate) to even learning that not everyone will put up with my dramatics (thanks, Dan).

Thank you for the experience, PSC.  Be well.

Unintentional bitch is now online.

So for some crazy reason me and A started talking about narcissism the other night because I read the back of a book on it while scanning stuff at work, and I found this little gem off wikipedia

Conversational narcissism is a term used by sociologist Charles Derber in his book "The Pursuit of Attention: Power and Ego in Everyday Life".
Derber observed that the social support system in America is relatively weak, and this leads people to compete mightily for attention. In social situations, they tend to steer the conversation away from others and toward themselves. "Conversational narcissism is the key manifestation of the dominant attention-getting psychology in America," he wrote. "It occurs in informal conversations among friends, family and coworkers. The profusion of popular literature about listening and the etiquette of managing those who talk constantly about themselves suggests its pervasiveness in everyday life..."
What Derber describes as "conversational narcissism" often occurs subtly rather than overtly, because even the dim-witted among us know that it's rude not to show interest in others, and prudent to avoid being judged an egotist.

Derber distinguishes the "shift-response" from the "support-response".

I unfortunately have to stop right now and admit that I am guilty of this completely.  I even realize sometimes when I do it in conversation and have to redirect a conversation for a group so that I give the person I shifted away from the floor again.  It's something that I want to work on in myself, because I want people to realize that I [b]do[/b] listen to them and I believe it's an important active listening skill to communicate interest and support.

However, I notice A LOT of people do this.  For me, I know that I like to share stories and anecdotes to make points in casual conversation because they are more interesting than facts and usually still add weight to whatever I am trying to express.  Usually I find that my stories come up when they do add something, but my problem is that I can be long-winded in my expression and if I'm not careful, I can redirect an entire table of people to another topic without even meaning to do so. This is why I don't normally find myself getting upset when it happens to me, although sometimes I may be disappointed if the "moment" for my comment or interjection has passed and it has to go unrehearsed 15 times in my head.  *shrug*  Oh well, being more aware of how to be less of an unintentional bitch is always positive.

Happy Birthday, M

Wednesday was my best friend's birthday.  We are going out tonight to celebrate her being another year older, and about 5 years wiser.  It will be a funk band at a Caribbean restaurant, so I'm pretty excited!

Work
So...because I suck and I just didn't feel good this morning, I called in to work.  The truth is that I wasn't really sick, I just didn't feel like going.  But, my reasoning is that this is a special occasion for my best friend and if I worked all day, there is no way that I would have felt up to going tonight.  Regardless of all that, work has gotten to be slightly more interesting.  Last Friday, I ended up meeting some guy while I was loading up my cardboard things and I needed to get a pallet of them opened that had plastic and green things on it.  I don't have a knife or anything, nor do I know where to get one, so I was just kind of staring at it helplessly.  So C came up with a fish knife and cut it apart for me.  He asked me my name and at first I thought he said "Claus" over the loud roaring of the machines and conveyors.  But it actually is a different C name.  I also at first thought he told me "Drink lots of water and have lewd thoughts" but that also was a mishear.  Anyway, when I went to the break room, I guess I sat at his group's table by accident really.  He introduced me to all of the people in the group and they were really nice...pretty much immediately included me in things.

I'm honestly a little wary of C though.  According to the ladies in the group I look like a younger version of his wife, which is kind of weird to hear no matter what, let alone with a super friendly guy.  He's done nothing too skeevy but he is pretty perverted, which I should be used to after all of these years working with men.  It's a warehouse, most of the people are brasher, you don't see too many divas around there.  Which leads me into Creepy Guy.  CG comes up to me and asks me if I'm from another state because apparently I didn't have a Kentucky accent?  Regardless, it was strange and he babbled on about his life.  All the while, I'm trying to load up my bin with cardboard things.  (I think you're getting the picture that I literally do nothing besides scan books, get and return carts and load the bin thingie, and that the pallets for the cardboards for the bin thing is where a lot of departments intersect.)  The very next day, I was by the water fountain at my station and he stopped by "casually" and said hello like he was seriously making a move on me.  I have begged A to get me some kind of wedding ring so I can pull off an illusion of being married.  A band won't really interfere with my job and anyway it's fake, I just need something to ward them off.

This is one reason why I do not wear tight as hell white see-through capris with a dark colored thong at work, though.  It was some girl's first day last week, and this is what she wore.  And she is a voluptuous curvy woman, but not even in any major overweight way, she just has a big butt and big boobs.  Point I'm trying to make is that with my body type, with my thick legs and butt, I have to be careful about being sexual by wearing too tight lower body work stuff because guys will look at it, and she makes me look like I have nothing.

Otherwise, I'm happy about getting paid every week, and direct deposit too, which is so fucking nice.

I'm going to go back to playing my game now.  <333

Good Friends

Good friends don't get mad at you for good things happening in your life when their life is less than ideal, and they certainly don't compete with you.  Good friends celebrate your accomplishments, and don't point out the negatives when you're trying you're hardest to just be happy for what you've settled on.  Good friends hear you out when you have a problem without changing the subject to something about themselves, and they drag you out of bed even when all you want to do is lay there and cry.  Good friends cheer you up when you're down instead of getting down in the mud and wallowing with you.  Sometimes, even good friends pay for your food or buy you a poster when all you have in your bank account is a few dollars.

But mostly, good friends accept you for who you are, flaws and all, and love you anyway.

I'm striving to be one of these good friends, and I'm hoping that I'll attract more good friends to add to my collection.

"Did you want to talk or something [cheap]"

Nothing like nights with good friends, pasta, and a phone that autocorrects at will.  What would I do without them?

Anxiety Level: 2
Pain Level: 2
Love Myself Level: 8

The last 2 years

It was brought up on a forum I frequent the topic of reflecting on the last 2 years of your life.  Here is my reflection.

Two years ago, it was the Spring of 08. I had applied to nursing school and was waiting to hear whether I got accepted or not. Around this time, I had just began working a new job in retail where I met some people that I'm still very good friends with.

I found out I was accepted to nursing school in July. I still have the acceptance letter.  

That same month, I moved in with my boyfriend and got my first "real" apartment, meaning it wasn't managed by my university at all. It was also our first official place together. We ended up getting our first cat, Heathcliff, soon after.

 

In the Fall of 08, I ended up withdrawing from a number of my classes because of working pretty much full-time hours in retail. I ended up having 36 hours/week or something like that, and during holiday I was working as a lead cashier and had a shit-ton of overtime. 

 

Me and A really worked on our relationship, and we spent quite a bit of time with his friends.

During the winter, I turned 21 and went out to a bar for the first time legally. This of course was the first of many bar nights for me. 

I officially started my actual major requirements in the Spring of 09. For Valentines' Day, me and A went on our first ever vacation in nearly 4 years of dating to Gatlinburg for the weekend. 

I also visited NYC for the first time for my Spring Break, going to see my friend in Queens. I took a train 18 hours from Maysville, KY to Penn Station, NY. Yeah, my butt was sore.

 

That summer, I went to Texas to spend time with my mom and little sister, and ended up meeting a really cool PSC person. The store I worked at was remodeling, so I spent a few 40 hour weeks prior to that cleaning, lugging around boxes, packing shit up and moving it to a storage area. 

 

 

 

 At the end of the summer, I got to meet three more really amazing people from PSC. I also applied for a scholarship through the hospital, which I received, taking a big burden off of my shoulders regarding financial aid.

 

In the Fall of 09, my really good friend K moved back to KY and I got to start spending time with her again. 

At the same time, I met a whole bunch of new friends through my best friend, M, and found an entirely new friend group. I spent a lot of time with my nose in a book, or a pipe to my lips. I quit my job because I was sick of working retail, but I stayed friends with everyone who worked with me.

 

During the winter of 09, me, M and my other really good friend, H, drove down to Florida to visit M's grandparents. We all fell in love. Some of us with the experience, some of us with a guy named Bryan that she later would find signs of everywhere. We celebrated NYE in West Palm Beach, and I officially rang in the new year by throwing up my 6th cranberry & vodka of the night on Clemantis St.

  When I got back from Florida, we got our second cat, Duckie.

 

This spring, I began my third semester of nursing school, which was my med-surg clinical and by far the roughest semester of them all. I cried more tears this semester than any other and it showed me how much I am not going to be a floor nurse. It made it clear, although I have known in my heart all along, that I am meant to be a psych and/or public health nurse. Me and A recently moved to a new place, a townhouse with two stories and two entrances.

I'll be honest. I was much happier about a year ago. This time last year, I was on cloud 9, smiling and laughing and showing off my straight A's. I've lost some friends that I never thought I would lose over some shit that I never knew was a big deal. I've never done this poorly in school. I've never doubted myself this much and been this confused about my purpose. I had much more money in my pocket last year. I was finally getting close to paying off all my credit card debt. Now, I am back up to like $1200 in the hole.

At the end of the day though, I'm really happy to at least be where I am for the moment. I have 3 semesters of school left and about 2 years left until I'll officially be working. I already have a job lined up, I just have to make it through the rest of the program, which I have been told over and over again that it's "all downhill from here" by people ahead of me.

I feel like I have a lot of work to do on myself, on my relationship, on my social life and with my family. But...as always....I welcome the fact that I am a work in progress.

Dancing for Cinco de Mayo

Tonight was a good night.

We went out to this little Mexican restaurant tonight called Mi Pequena Hacienda in order to celebrate Cinco de Mayo.  At first I was worried because it was going to be me, A, M and her new boyfriend, W.  We picked up W because he was concerned about there being a sober driver and then got M from school.  The conversation was easy.

When we arrived at Hacienda, the music was pumping outside the restaurant.  Swarms of people were hanging around outside, drinks in hand and smiles on their faces, watching others dance around the tent.  Some danced drunkenly, others danced with purpose.  After we were seated, W immediately ordered two pitchers of margaritas, which pleased me and M immensely.  The three of us clinked glasses while A waited for his Negro Modelo to arrive to the table.  Best margarita I've had in awhile.

About half an hour into dinner, H and her boyfriend B decided to join us.  By that time me and M were already pretty sloshed and we were on our third pitcher of margaritas.  We shared inside jokes, we laughed, the boys laughed.  They find us so amusing when we drink.  We all took a trip to the bathroom together, where of course me and M shared a stall like we always do.

We went out to the dance floor.

We danced.

It felt so good to just let loose, to feel the rhythm engulf my body.  I let it move me wherever it decided to move me.  As I looked around, I noticed people watching me and M dance.  We're always so fun to watch, because we have no physical boundaries.  We can touch and spin and dip each other.  She can bend backward and I can crawl on top and booty shake.  We can salsa dance our way around the floor.  We laugh and giggle and cry out the lyrics to the song.  Tonight, it was all in Spanish, so we didn't know the words to any of the songs, but that didn't matter.

I love her in a way that I've never loved anyone else.  If I was any closer to her, we'd be blood.

Then, as our respective boyfriends drug us away from the dance floor and out toward the car, we refused to let our dancing stop there.  We grabbed each other in the parking lot, our voices raising high into the night sky as we continued to mesh them in drunken squeals.  The world flickered in alternating light and dark as I spun in circles, my feet staggering under the weight of a girl who has had just a little too much to stay in control.  I felt A pull me close, plant kisses on my lips, my mouth separating and feeling his tongue massage my own.  In those moments, I glanced out of the corner of my eye at M, watching her do the same thing with W.  Both of us sitting on my car, both of us getting action.  Both of us happy.  But like all good nights, it must come to an end.

A sat in the drivers' seat, and I in the passengers', with M & W in the back.  We drove into the night air blasting Lady Gaga, me and M yelling the lyrics at the top of our lungs.  "This reminds me of Florida!" I yelled, turning up a song.

Our hair is perfect
While we're all getting shit wrecked
It's automatic, honey
But we got no money
Daddy I'm so sorry, I'm so s-s-sorry yeah
We just like to party, like to p-p-party yeah
Bang bang, we're beautiful and dirty rich
Bang bang, we're beautiful and dirty rich 

 

I'm happy.  But sometimes I worry that it's always temporary, always fleeting.

As long as I have A by my right side, and M by my left, I don't think I'll ever be truly lost.  There will just be days that I have misplaced myself.  I have faith that they will always come looking for me, even if no one else will.  And that...well quite frankly that's enough.

I'll accept some praise.

I like being reminded that I am good enough from time to time, and that my qualities are admirable.

Someone stated:

Good example of what I mean about hotness: you pouring your smart all over me makes you hotter.

 I replied:

okay you made me full on grin
congrats
i suppose though that i don't see this as being smart in the same way
even though i think i'm smart, i learn more and more everyday that i'm not near as smart as i think i am
i'm people smart
but for me, that's what i want to be

Someone replied:

and it works for you

I stated:

true but i'll never make some cool invention
or probably discover a cure for some crazy disease
and a part of me wishes i was that kind of smart instead because it's so much more tangible and easily credited

Someone replied:

person smart is great
It's so you
It's much cooler and more rare than a degree saying you wrote lots of papers

 I gave up and accepted it with: 

i'm gonna quit putting it down and just wallow in your praise, okay?
*wallow*

Story People

My friend E showed me some really cute pictures with quotes today that are called "Story People."  The first one I read, I immediately related.  It sounded like someone finally made a manuscript of my inner thoughts.  I loved them so much that I've been looking at the website all day.  I just want to put a couple on here before I let them take over my Facebook profile.  Plus, I keep posting them all over my friend's profiles and....yeah.  All of these can be found at this address and the name in parenthesis is the name of the story for searching purposes.  I'm planning on getting some of these for friends and for myself, but I haven't decided exactly yet.

"When I grow up, I want to remember that I always wanted to be about a thousand different things & one lifetime didn't seem nearly enough. When I grow up, I hope it's at the very end when it doesn't matter anymore anyway" (#1723)

I think about this a lot.  I really and truly believe that part of the reason I am so scared to grow up is because I'm afraid of letting go of this person that I am right now.

"The problem with knowing everything's going exactly as it needs to is that when you're not having that much fun it doesn't even do any good to complain." (Partial Enlightenment)

My feelings on nursing school, the seriousness of my relationship and my inability to be wreckless and free or change my mind anymore.  I'm on contract with a hospital and will be going to work for them for 2 years after I graduate.  Something about that feels so...trapped.  Even though so many people tell me they look up to me, they are proud of me...sometimes I really envy those who are still being carried wherever by the wind.

"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short" (Bittersweet)

I am so emotional.  In fact, so emotional that I have the ability to form and shed tears within the span of a 30 second commercial.  I cry at reality TV and sitcoms and movies.  I cry when things hurt.  I cry when I fight with my boyfriend.  I cry when I do something well.  It's my default reaction.  I used to think there was something wrong with me - and now I am learning that I just love all of the little things in this world that touch my soul in that way that causes tears to flow down my face.

"She tried on every body left but they'd been pretty well picked over & all that were left were a little worse for wear. She finally settled on one that was pretty good except for a scuff at the elbow where you almost couldn't see it anyway & as she walked out into the world she remembered thinking next time I'm going to get here earlier." (Body Shop)

My struggle with BDD.  I feel like it's so hard to explain to someone that you HATE the way you look, especially when they believe you to be conventionally attractive.  That even though you are confident in your intellect and your personality, you loathe your body and your face.  However, I am learning to love who I am, and to accept that my physical appearance is a part of that.  I don't think I'll ever be fully cured of my body dysmophia, but I want to learn to accept that it's a part of who I am.  It's okay.  I don't have to be perfect.

"Moving briskly along because introspection gives her a stomach ache." (Extrovert)

If I'm not busy with things in my life, it gives me way too much time to reflect on my shitty childhood, my current financial crisis and the fact that I still haven't gotten where I want to be by my age.  It's better for me to not dwell on that stuff, but if I have too much free time, it keeps me up at night.

"deciding everything is falling into place perfectly as long as you don't get too picky about what you mean by place. Or perfectly." (Falling Into Place)

Completely reminds me of my relationship with A.  Things aren't happening as fast as I'd like, nor are they the circumstances I necessarily pictured for myself at age 22.  But the small moments in between remind me that he's the one for me, that our life will be fine and that I need to forget everything I ever read in story books.

"I'm not so good at taking my own advice, she said, but that doesn't mean I don't know what's right." (Knowing Right)

So many of my friends and even family depend on me for advice, medical or not.  While I love them and I love helping them, sometimes it can feel hypocritical to give them advice, good advice, and know that I can't even follow it in my own life.  Likewise, educating patients about healthy behaviors makes me feel like the biggest farce.

"Can make stuff magically disappear especially if it's got a lot of butter & sugar in it" (Magical Thinker)

Well, here is my problem with binge eating in a nutshell.  (But I'm better, I promise.)

"He loved her for almost everything she was & she decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time." (Mr. Right)
"Tied together by stuff too difficult to explain to someone new" (Partners)

The way that A accepts my anxiety, my BDD, my emotional outbursts, the baggage that comes with being abused in all 3 (4?) ways....I don't know that I could ever go through all of the turmoil with someone again.  Then we factor in his Aspergers' Syndrome, his family drama and bad debt.  I don't know that I could ever love someone the way I love him so fucking goddamn much.  He is really my rock in a way that I could never explain to anyone else and I apologize for not being able to ever be more eloquent than that.

"Of course I'm not happy, she said to me, but I've got a degree in psychology so at least I can explain why." (Psychology)

I learn about everything that is wrong about me in nursing school all the time.  Sometimes it's embarrassing to realize that I learn more about how fucked up I am every time we hit a mental health section in the course material.


"Most people she never tells about the tightrope because she doesn't want to listen to their helpful comments from the ground." (Tightrope)

I'm the strong one.  I'm the one that has my life together.  I'm the one that is going to be successful.  And I feel like no one has the right to comment on how I am getting there until they put themselves in my position and do it.

Dreams about Immigrants

This was a message I sent to my best friend, M:

I have to tell you about this CRAZY dream I had.

So me and you were both working in retail for some reason at the same store. 3 Hispanic men had stolen things and we saw it. "Should we confront them?" I asked the manager and she said no, that we should just follow them out and keep our distance so that it wasn't obvious we were following them until we saw them take out the stuff and then we could nail them for it. So me and you were following them, spy style, and they leave out the doors of the mall and go out into the parking lot. Well, when we walk out the doors they are standing RIGHT THERE, so to play it off I'm like, "What do you work tomorrow? Blah blah blah" and we're being all bubbly and fake like we weren't following them. We walk past them and away since we're scared and then turn around to look - one of the guys has a gun and shoots another guy in the face. He hears us gasp and starts waving around the gun and yelling stuff in Spanish. We both scream and take off running across this dirt mountain that looked very similar to that one we trekked across to get from my house to your house Freshman year. As we're running I say, "Why the fuck are we doing this!" and you reply "No shit" and we start laughing as hard as we can as we're running. Then I woke up.

So even when we're running from some dirty, homicidal immigrants, we will be laughing. I love you. 

I love her more than I could ever describe, and when I read this to A, you know what his response was?

"That would be you two."  Love it! 

Words make such a difference

Every post I read on PSC in response to me leaving has made me tear up. I'll be honest, I didn't expect anyone to care.

I guess a part of me did feel unappreciated, like my posts were just skimmed over and didn't make a difference to anyone. It's very nice to know that's not the case, and for everyone who has been affected in a positive way by me, that has wished me well - THANK YOU FOR LETTING ME KNOW. Everyone in this thread has been a part of my positive PSC experience and there is nothing that can take that way.

And people are right - I should not let drama push me away. The entire reason I wanted to delete, rather than take an extended break, was because of that drama. I felt really strongly about leaving because of something that hurt my feelings so much, but I know that I can't let people get to me that much, even if they have the ability to hurt me more than a random stranger.

So, I've made the decision to leave my account intact for now. This isn't to say that I'm going to be around the same - I'm not. Today is going to be my last day checking these forums for a good 90 days, but if I want to return after that, then I can with my same username without it being a big ordeal.

I'm going to get some goals accomplished and work on myself, and when I feel like I'm capable of helping other people again, I want to come back.

As always, PM me or follow my blog if you want to keep up with me.

Sorry for the false alarm of sorts, but honestly, every post in here made me realize how special this place is to me and how I don't want to cut off my ties completely yet. Thank you.

Whatever you do, you'll never be wrong
As long as you reach for it
When you reach for it, nothings too far
And its never too long, as long as you reach for it
You can dream on it, everywhere

NEVER GIVE UP. NEVER STOP FOLLOWING YOUR DREAMS. I'm certainly not going to, despite any obstacles that come my way.

Thursday, April 1, 2010 @ 4:44 pm

Sunburned, but it was totally worth it to meditate with my besties. Put down my deposit - really want this place!

Anxiety Level: 7
Pain Level: 7 (for the red skin!)
Love Myself Level: 9

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 @ 12:28 am

I'm happy that you reached out to me, but I'm still waiting for the other foot to drop. We'll see.

Anxiety Level: 6
Pain Level: 3
Love Myself Level: 8

M wrote:

You know how we were talking about Sonic commercials? I think that we are those guys.

Tuesday, March 20, 2010 @ 12:50 am

I fell in love with another man. His name is Stephan, and damn can he write some amazingly awesome songs.

Anxiety Level: 5
Pain Level: 5
Love Myself Level: 99 (I can do that - this night was amazing!)

So tonight I went to the Third Eye Blind concert. They were so great, like I expected them to bed. Some highlights...

Sunday, March 28, 2010 @ 2:58 pm

Sitting in a circle, guitar strings quoting truths and beer lining my mouth. My friends are my escape from life.

Anxiety Level: 4
Pain Level: 0
Love Myself Level: 10 (yes, 10/10 because I can)



Kentucky lost to WVU yesterday. Refs were blind on both sides, one of the worst games I've ever seen refereed on BOTH ends because we got some calls we shouldn't have, but so did the other team. When like 7 players foul of out a game, you know something's wrong.

Monday, March 22, 2010 @ 6:53 pm

Thanks to you guys, seriously.

I guess a part of me feels like I really need to have my act together. You had no idea how serious and uptight nursing school is, especially my nursing school. There are so many hoops we have to jump through if we don't get a 78% on an exam, or if we are 1 minute late to clinical, or if our hair is not properly pulled back in a clip and falls into your face. I know all of it's important, but fuck it is so much stress.

There are so many people in my program in their late 20's and early 30's that are doing the married/babies/house thing and I kind of do want that. It seems like everyone my age is in a sorority and does shit tons of volunteer work, or the girl who does cheerleading and they are so focused and driven. I feel like such a slacker. My clinical group went to the Bahamas, Jamaica, Florida, etc. I stayed at home...slept...posted more than usual on PSC. Read Gossip Girl. Went out to a local pub for St. Paddy's day. So I feel like I don't really fit in with a lot of people in my nursing school because I'm not wild and crazy vacationing and partying...but I'm also not "legitimate" as a married couple with financial independence and all that jazz.

Sunday, March 14, 2010 @ 12:36 pm

Baby, I miss New York City.

I remember when I met you and we immediately clicked. I was so worried that me and you would not get along, and that's why I only was staying 5 nights. But Ila, I adored you!

I took a train 18 hours from Maysville, KY to Penn Station, NY. When I arrived, I was close to having a panic attack from the sheer volume of people that were outside the gate. Being a girl who had never traveled anywhere by myself, this was my defining moment. So of course, I went to the cop and starting describing Ila to them. I knew they would know her, she's the kind of person that sticks out because she's beautiful. Then she was standing in front of me, then we were walking towards each other, then we were hugging.

The first thing we did, after taking the subway to a bus to the stop closest to her block, was pull out a pipe and toke around her neighborhood in Queens. It was about this time last year. I felt adventurous and independent and sexy. It was almost midnight, so we went to bed soon after.

It was such a fun week, Ila. I plan on coming back soon so we can have these convo's in person.

Ila. 10:39 pm
im so cool its friday night im in bed getting high and watching ghostbusters
J. M. 10:41 pm

i'm watching my boyfriend play final fantasy, i am not sure that i am any cooler
J. M. 10:42 pm
how have you been?
i tried to go to your gaga link when i got back to my comp the other night and it was private, btw
Ila. 11:11 pm
yeah they took it off because it leaked early
youtube search it now
J. M. 11:11 pm
ok
Ila. 11:11 pm
lady gaga,feat beyonce, telephone
but if you havent seen the video for paparazzi watch that one first
because telephone is a sequel
J.M. 11:15 pm
girl please i love paparazzi video lol
Ila. 11:16 pm
ok good
yeah i know weve had this convo
its my fave
J. M. 11:18 pm
OMG
this is a prtty intense vid
Ila. 11:23 pm
yuh

I have a crush on the University of Kentucky basketball team!!!