While I Should Have Been Sleeping

It's 2:30 in the morning and all I can really think about is how I have to be in my car and driving to work in 4.5 hours.  It pretty much sucks.

I hate feeling the way I feel right now.  My mind just keeps racing with all of these things I should have gotten done on my three days off.  Instead, I laid around the house a lot, watched the cats fight, made To-Do lists that I never completed.  Now I'm stuck between wanting to throw up and wanting to cry.

I don't even know what I want.  I really don't.  I want someone to pay attention to me, I think, but then A has been paying attention to me since he got home.  We played and wrestled on the bed.  We went to the store, where he laced his fingers into mine or placed his hand on the small of my back.  He commented about how happy I seemed, how he knew all along that getting a job was the best thing for me.

Maybe he is right.  I do feel happier on the whole.  But at the same time, I feel horrible inside for no explicable reason.  I can't seem to get to sleep at night, no matter what position I roll myself into or how long A plays with my hair or cuddles me.  There is almost always this ache in my chest, like I'm making the wrong decision somewhere in my life.  I feel like I'm constantly dropping a juggly somewhere: IRL friends, studying during the summer, doing a good job at work, internet friends, family, talking on the phone.

I think everyone probably feels like this - like there are so many things pulling at them in so many directions.  My thing is just to shut down and shut everyone out when I get overwhelmed.  Literally, when I feel overwhelmed, I ignore every phone call, text message, IM, email, PM...all of it.  I pretend it didn't even happen sometimes because it's easier than admitting that I feel too anxious to deal with it.  I think this makes me a bad person because a good person doesn't just put people on the back burner.  A good person is understanding, selfless, kind...you know, all that Hallmark bullshit that people love to eat up.

All I can think about as I write this is how huge my boobs are at the moment and how that's the only thing that has made me genuinely happy next to A roaring in my face all afternoon.  So, I want to do a new post because I have a subject I need to talk about.