Story People

My friend E showed me some really cute pictures with quotes today that are called "Story People."  The first one I read, I immediately related.  It sounded like someone finally made a manuscript of my inner thoughts.  I loved them so much that I've been looking at the website all day.  I just want to put a couple on here before I let them take over my Facebook profile.  Plus, I keep posting them all over my friend's profiles and....yeah.  All of these can be found at this address and the name in parenthesis is the name of the story for searching purposes.  I'm planning on getting some of these for friends and for myself, but I haven't decided exactly yet.

"When I grow up, I want to remember that I always wanted to be about a thousand different things & one lifetime didn't seem nearly enough. When I grow up, I hope it's at the very end when it doesn't matter anymore anyway" (#1723)

I think about this a lot.  I really and truly believe that part of the reason I am so scared to grow up is because I'm afraid of letting go of this person that I am right now.

"The problem with knowing everything's going exactly as it needs to is that when you're not having that much fun it doesn't even do any good to complain." (Partial Enlightenment)

My feelings on nursing school, the seriousness of my relationship and my inability to be wreckless and free or change my mind anymore.  I'm on contract with a hospital and will be going to work for them for 2 years after I graduate.  Something about that feels so...trapped.  Even though so many people tell me they look up to me, they are proud of me...sometimes I really envy those who are still being carried wherever by the wind.

"She said she usually cried at least once each day not because she was sad, but because the world was so beautiful & life was so short" (Bittersweet)

I am so emotional.  In fact, so emotional that I have the ability to form and shed tears within the span of a 30 second commercial.  I cry at reality TV and sitcoms and movies.  I cry when things hurt.  I cry when I fight with my boyfriend.  I cry when I do something well.  It's my default reaction.  I used to think there was something wrong with me - and now I am learning that I just love all of the little things in this world that touch my soul in that way that causes tears to flow down my face.

"She tried on every body left but they'd been pretty well picked over & all that were left were a little worse for wear. She finally settled on one that was pretty good except for a scuff at the elbow where you almost couldn't see it anyway & as she walked out into the world she remembered thinking next time I'm going to get here earlier." (Body Shop)

My struggle with BDD.  I feel like it's so hard to explain to someone that you HATE the way you look, especially when they believe you to be conventionally attractive.  That even though you are confident in your intellect and your personality, you loathe your body and your face.  However, I am learning to love who I am, and to accept that my physical appearance is a part of that.  I don't think I'll ever be fully cured of my body dysmophia, but I want to learn to accept that it's a part of who I am.  It's okay.  I don't have to be perfect.

"Moving briskly along because introspection gives her a stomach ache." (Extrovert)

If I'm not busy with things in my life, it gives me way too much time to reflect on my shitty childhood, my current financial crisis and the fact that I still haven't gotten where I want to be by my age.  It's better for me to not dwell on that stuff, but if I have too much free time, it keeps me up at night.

"deciding everything is falling into place perfectly as long as you don't get too picky about what you mean by place. Or perfectly." (Falling Into Place)

Completely reminds me of my relationship with A.  Things aren't happening as fast as I'd like, nor are they the circumstances I necessarily pictured for myself at age 22.  But the small moments in between remind me that he's the one for me, that our life will be fine and that I need to forget everything I ever read in story books.

"I'm not so good at taking my own advice, she said, but that doesn't mean I don't know what's right." (Knowing Right)

So many of my friends and even family depend on me for advice, medical or not.  While I love them and I love helping them, sometimes it can feel hypocritical to give them advice, good advice, and know that I can't even follow it in my own life.  Likewise, educating patients about healthy behaviors makes me feel like the biggest farce.

"Can make stuff magically disappear especially if it's got a lot of butter & sugar in it" (Magical Thinker)

Well, here is my problem with binge eating in a nutshell.  (But I'm better, I promise.)

"He loved her for almost everything she was & she decided that was enough to let him stay for a very long time." (Mr. Right)
"Tied together by stuff too difficult to explain to someone new" (Partners)

The way that A accepts my anxiety, my BDD, my emotional outbursts, the baggage that comes with being abused in all 3 (4?) ways....I don't know that I could ever go through all of the turmoil with someone again.  Then we factor in his Aspergers' Syndrome, his family drama and bad debt.  I don't know that I could ever love someone the way I love him so fucking goddamn much.  He is really my rock in a way that I could never explain to anyone else and I apologize for not being able to ever be more eloquent than that.

"Of course I'm not happy, she said to me, but I've got a degree in psychology so at least I can explain why." (Psychology)

I learn about everything that is wrong about me in nursing school all the time.  Sometimes it's embarrassing to realize that I learn more about how fucked up I am every time we hit a mental health section in the course material.


"Most people she never tells about the tightrope because she doesn't want to listen to their helpful comments from the ground." (Tightrope)

I'm the strong one.  I'm the one that has my life together.  I'm the one that is going to be successful.  And I feel like no one has the right to comment on how I am getting there until they put themselves in my position and do it.