Nursing Exam Numero Tres

When I woke up this morning, I was ridiculously sick to my stomach for no good reason.  I had studied all day with my study partner the day before (8 hours) and I had taken good notes and really explored the reasons behind my notes to understand the material.  (Love you, Tina, and thanks for being such a great study partner!  I'm looking forward to working with you again and again.)

So I went to the bathroom, did my nervous diarrhea that I always seem to get when I'm anxious, and then tried to brush my teeth.  Immediately afterward, I found myself kneeling in front of the toilet and vomiting gastric juices, gagging and spitting.  30 minutes before the exam, and as prepared as I was, I find myself being so anxious that I'm throwing up.  Second time this semester.  I also threw up when

Why do I get so nervous?  Well, the reality is that this semester has been so rough on me.  Clinicals have been mistake-prone and scary, and my exam grades have been less than stellar.  For our program, we have to have a 76% for a C and if we don't get that in both test average and overall course grade, we fail and must repeat the entire thing.  I can't imagine having to do all of this over again, even if I know that hearing it the second time around would be immensely easier.  All I want to do is survive, to pass, but that's not something that I'm used to doing.  I'm used to excelling with minimal effort, and I'm used to A's and B's, not C's.

This semester has been the semester of the ugly C.  My first exam, I received a 72%, which in my program equals a "D" and the second exam I got an 80%, which is a "C".  In most places, these scores would be a C and B, respectively, but part of going to the nursing program at my college is getting to say you survived the arbitrary grading scale.  It's one of those snob things where I get to wave around my degree at the end of all of this and be even more proud that I got through the bureaucracy and ridiculously high expectations that permeate this place.

I'm frustrated because I feel like I'm really trying, and I feel like it's not good enough.  I'm not sure how I did on this exam, and because I need to focus on other academics, I don't have time to search through my material and check myself.  So I'm not going to subject myself to that.

I studied and prepared for this exam, more than any other exam so far this semester.  I took my time on my test questions, covering up the answers and thinking through the question before letting them muddy my thoughts.  I did deep breathing when I felt anxious.  I thought positively and told myself that I really did understand this stuff, and that I needed to believe in myself.  I texted my friends for support (and they were amazing and gave me more than I could ever have asked for).  Whatever I get on this exam, I gave my best.  And my best is good enough.  It really is.  I need to start believing that it's okay to not be perfect, that I'm allowed to get C's on the hard stuff as long as I dedicate myself to understanding it better and learning from my mistakes.

I refuse to fail this semester.  It's not an option.  But neither is tearing myself down.  I deserve better from myself.