| Quote: |
| Fear in me so deep it gets the best of me, In the fear I fall, here it comes face to face with me, Here I stand hold back so no one can see, I feel these wounds, step down, step down, step down. (am I) Breaking Down Can I break away Push me away, make me fall, Just to see, another side of me, Push me away, you can see, what I see, the other side of me. Fall back on me, and I’ll be the strength I need, to save me now, just come face to face with me, stay in place you'll be the first to see, me heal these wounds, step down, step down, step down, down I’m not breaking, down can I break away push me away, make me fall, just to see another side of me, push me away you can see, what I see, the other side of me Go! Fall, can I break away push me away, make me fall, just to see another side of me, push me away you can see, what I see, the other side of me No one can see anything on the other side of me I walk, I crawl, loosing everything and waiting for the downfall No one can see everything on the other side of me I walk, I crawl losing everything on the downfall. Downfall, Fall. |
I don't really know what the "official" meaning behind this song is, and frankly I don't really think it would change my opinion and personal meaning to change it.
This song reminds me of when people intentionally remain guarded and aloof from me. I'm talking about the ones who don't show me the deep side of themselves, and they don't allow me to get close to them. We all are guilty of this at times, even with the people we love and care about. At the same time, when I experience that block in intimacy with someone, it makes me question my significance and brings out my own insecurities. I feel like my friends and people that know me well can see right through me when I am hurt and upset.
My best friend is someone who deals with the brunt of these insecure moments. I know that she is my maid of honor best friend in that sense, but I worry that she is closer to someone else than me. I am scared that one day she will find out that in my worst moments I am just an insecure, scared and melancholy woman, questioning myself constantly. I get anxious when we don't see each other for a long period of time, thinking that she may have stopped believing she is my best friend. I know my thoughts are irrational, but they are there. She is a good sport about it.
My mom moved to Kansas when I was 14. I don't talk about her much, or my parents for that matter. I don't feel like talking about how resentful, depressed and just generally sucky I felt during my childhood. I figure they will either just be able to commiserate (and who really likes talking about that shit?) or they will be uncomfortable by it. But anyway, my mom moved to Kansas when I was 14. She left me and my little brother 11 hours away for her new husband's job. She went back to college. She got pregnant. Graduated. Moved and got a job. Promotion. She just started a whole new life. A new life full of rituals and military-esque timeclocks that was temporarily disrupted by an air of resentment and disgust every summer when my brother and I arrived via plane.
I am mad that my mom left and moved out of state, knowing she was leaving me and my little brother behind. I'm pissed that my mom did not watch me go to prom three times, did not meet any of my friends or watch me do school sports. She wasn't there to hug me when I had a bad day at school. She didn't ever get a chance to find out who I was as a person because she wasn't around.
I remember when she told me about moving. He was going into the Air Force. He had to, she said. There was nothing in Kentucky for him, they wanted to move out of the shitty apartment complex and this was the best chance for them to do it. She left her job that she had been working at for 15 years, took a new job that cut her pay in half. All of this she sacrificed for him.
I see the flip side of the coin. I know that me and my mom did not get along when I was a teenager. Even before she moved away, I had already moved to live with my dad full-time. My dad is and always has been the parent I am closer with, for nothing more than the sheer fact that we are so alike and he has my back no matter what, no questions asked. And yes, I chose to stay. I could have moved with her. But there was no way in hell I was going to leave my father, my friends, my whole other family, for a rocky relationship with my mom and a borderline abusive one with my stepfather.
My mom is the originator of these fears of abandonment, but she is by no means the end of the line.
When I was 16, my first real relationship ended. We had dated for 11 months. If not for me being a small girl, and him being a large guy, we would have had sex. I loved him in a way that I will never love anyone else, but he is not the person who I feel abandoned me. He had legitimate reasons for breaking up with me and I also feel like it was for the best.
Shortly after my breakup, I was turning 17. For my birthday, me and my best friend at the time made a plan to go see a concert. We bought the tickets 4 weeks in advance and I was extremely excited for it, as it was featuring my favorite band, Simple Plan (obligatory
). The concert started at 7 pm. At 4:30 pm, I got a call. It was my best friend calling to say she had a panic attack and that there was "no way" she could make it to the concert that night. Freaking out about going to a concert by myself, I called every person in my phonebook that might reasonably go with me to the concert until I found someone who agreed to go. I swung by my best friend's house to pick up her ticket. When her mom let me in to the house, my best friend was sitting on the couch, talking and chatting with her boyfriend. She quickly got up, handed me the ticket and told me she was sorry she couldn't make it out.I was pissed. I vented to the girl I went to the concert with because I needed to talk to someone. About 2 weeks later, my best friend told me that I was "too much" for her to handle. I was too emotional, too needy and she couldn't take it. This was the girl that I planned a surprise birthday party at Laser Quest. This is the girl that I drove to school every day for a year. This is the girl that met me halfway on foot between our houses, walking because we were still 13 and lived in the same neighborhood, so it wasn't too long of a trek. This is the girl that helped me do my makeup for my sophomore prom. This is the girl that ultimately helped me get through my breakup.
[Note to self: One day you must chronicle the doughnut on penis blowjob incident that said friend was involved in.]
There have been numerous friends who have suddenly stopped calling or hanging out with me, despite efforts by me to keep the relationship going. I can name about 5 off the top of my head.
I know this probably is not a unique situation. I actually think it's part of the process to drift away from people, and to encounter different people at different points in your life. I do have stable figures in my life, and my best friend is amazing and I would do anything for her. I love how smart she is and how she really gets me, so I get to be close to her in a great way. My boyfriend is a whole other post for another day, but he also plays a big role. And for them, I know that I am blessed.
Always in the back of my mind, though, I wonder if it's just a matter of time before they see what everyone else in the past has seen and will disappear from me.
I'm trying to be less insecure. I think maybe it's the insecurity that scares people away. I like who I am, but I always worry that people I like and think are my friends won't. I shouldn't really worry about it, but I do.
Maybe my relationships come with expiration dates.
Sidenote: Grease 2 is quite possibly full of more cheesy innuendos than Match Game PM.
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