| Giggle wrote: |
| Can't you tell how nervous I am when my instructor is watching? And then as soon as she walks out the door, I do amazing. |
| Patient wrote: |
| I wanted to tell her to get out of here! |
| Giggle wrote: |
| Well, I know in the long run all of it will make me a good nurse. |
| Patient wrote: |
| You're already a good nurse. |
It's 4 AM and I can't sleep. This is one of my last clinicals for this semester and all I can reflect upon is how nervous, mistake-ridden and poorly executed my work has been this semester. I can't blame all of it on my instructor, although some of it needs to be attributed to her for making me a nervous wreck, as she has come down harsher on me than anyone else this semester.
So what can I do to be better?
Tonight I created an additional worksheet page for my patient assignments - this one lists out the times from 0800-1900 with places for meds, vital signs, dressing changes, baths, pain assessments, etc. I should have made this simple table in Word 2 months ago. Being myself, and how much I need organization to function, I should not have listened to my clinical instructor when she told me that I was getting bogged down with my organization. Likewise, I should have listened to her when she told me I needed to stop putting myself out to help my peers.
I need to make sure that I am not only looking up my meds, but looking up labs as I go along and knowing any vital signs I will need to take (especially apical pulse with beta blockers). When I am prepared, she will not get on my case as much. When I go in tomorrow, I won't stand around waiting for report to happen idly, I will have my drug book in hand and be writing down information until they get to my patient. Yes, my one patient. Because I'm that much of a fuck-up this semester that I can't even be trusted with two anymore.
I can't say that I haven't learned something. As my course coordinator told me, there is a policy nurses have called CYA: Cover Your Ass. When in doubt, tell someone, ask questions, scream until they pay attention to you. I need to stop being so nice about when my nurses are busy and don't have time to look at my patient. I need to insist that when they are breathing too fast, too shallow, or too labored, they need to see them. When I hear abnormal breath sounds, my nurse needs to come in there and verify. A click on the heart? RN needs to come in there and do her job of making sure that there is really a click on the heart. When giving medications, make sure I have a big enough cup to fit them in, and check them off one by one. When dietary comes in to get a tray, make sure there isn't anything important on it. Document everything I ever do in a timely fashion. Work fast when other people are depending on it.
Most importantly, grow a thick skin. Situations are rough, and more than one day or even 100 days in my career, I am going to feel overwhelmed, sad, detached, scared or angry. My feelings do not matter when I put on my scrubs and start taking care of my patients. As my previous clinical instructor stated - anything that happens out in the real world, good or bad, you leave at the revolving doors when you step into that hospital. You aren't a human, you are a life-saving machine. I can't be weak and frustrated - that's not fair to the people that are depending on me to give them your best.
Listen: Once you walk out those doors, it's okay to cry. It's okay to come home and wonder why the hell you chose something so hard to do with your life. It's okay to feel overwhelmed, and sad, and angry, and scared, and all of those millions of feelings that you feel. But it's not okay to let it happen at work.
I believe in you, Jessica, I really do. You can do this shit. Stop doubting yourself. Suck it up, move forward, be positive, be SMART. You do not have to be perfect, and you will never be perfect, but you have it within you to still be AMAZING.
If anyone was interested in my experience in nursing school this semester, just watch this video:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vTqIsB98a1E
This represents discipline...and this represents strength. You need both to reach the arrow.
| Quote: |
| Let's get down to business - to defeat the Huns Did they send me daughters when I asked for sons? You're the saddest bunch I've ever met But you can bet before we're through Mister, I'll make a man out of you Tranquil as a forest But on fire within Once you find your center You are sure to win You're a spineless, pale pathetic lot And you haven't got a clue Somehow I'll make a man out of you I'm never gonna catch my breath Say goodbye to those who knew me Boy, was I a fool in school for cutting gym This guy's got 'em scared to death Hope he doesn't see right through me Now I really wish that I knew how to swim (Chorus:) Be a man We must be swift as the coursing river Be a man With all the force of a great typhoon Be a man With all the strength of a raging fire Mysterious as the dark side of the moon Time is racing toward us till the Huns arrive Heed my every order and you might survive You're unsuited for the rage of war So pack up, go home you're through How could I make a man out of you? |
I'm going to get that arrow if it kills me.
I just saw this post, and I wanted to say I felt exactly the same feelings when I was doing my first practicum for teaching. I would go home and cry every night, I would get upset when I had a bad review, I would freeze when my supervisor or my teacher would be writing notes about me. I would spend more time trying to self-destruct than I would making an effort to be better. I almost dropped out twice - this, after a school I had done a co-op in during my senior year in high school had given me a bursary because they wanted "a teacher just like [me]".
ReplyDeleteI passed that year, barely. But I passed it. And then I went home that summer and thought long and hard about being a teacher. I knew it was my passion but the program was trying to break me. They were breaking me. And I didn't know what I could do to make it seem less daunting, less stressful, less everything, and more enjoyable.
I took a run at it the next year, and it seemed easier, it seemed more natural.
We all start somewhere, we all have our trials. I didn't mean to make this comment all about me, but I did want you to know that I do relate to your feelings. I had to grow thick skin (because both the students AND the teacher/supervisors were criticizing me at every turn) and I had to plan engaging and fun things while making few mistakes along the way.
Things will get better. You're smart, you've got the fire burning in you, just like I had. And you do care about what you are doing. I know you'll go far, you've just got to push ahead.
anoncanadian